I Have Gotten Lazy

Lately I have been trying to figure out how to get back to my old, highly motivated self. After a long discussion with my husband I have finally figured it out.

I have gotten lazy.

Prior to having chronic pain I was never lazy. I have worked since high school, I exercised daily, and was very active in a lot of other things. Chronic pain just wears you down and can be traumatic. The fear of grieving and loss has made me not want to try to do things anymore. I really have a hard time getting motivated to do my school work because I don’t want to lose it or grieve over it again. The same with working towards a career. The loss that comes with chronic pain is HARD.

Chronic pain also makes you tired. Like, really really really tired. Which I think is odd. Anyways, I have let this part of my condition control parts of my life. Before I would fight and push through it but now I have essentially given up and hang out on the couch most days.

However, I am on a mission. I am on a mission to fight for the life I want to have and that starts today. I am going back to my normal clean eating diet since I have fallen off the wagon a bit in order to try to increase my energy. Also, I plan on forcing myself to continue with school and try to be more active even though I hurt. Being mentally well is also as equally important when it comes to chronic pain because depression can exacerbate the pain unfortunately.

When Life Hands You Lemons…. Apply for A Job

I APPLIED FOR A JOB TODAY!

I APPLIED FOR A JOB TODAY!!!!!

This is a pretty big deal for me. Granted I don’t really feel all that much better but after feeling sorry for myself and my situation I have come to the realization that I do not like this person that I am currently. I feel like a stay at home wife that does nothing with her life. I am only 25 and I am already staying home, WITHOUT a baby. Come on, I haven’t even lived yet!

However, this isn’t just any job. It is a floral design position! This is my dream! Ever since my husband and I purchased our house my artistic abilities really flourished onto other things such as interior decorating and floral design. I absolutely love making my own arrangements and wreaths. This is something I do seasonally and absolutely enjoy. I decided I would try making my own arrangements a few years ago after going to Hobby Lobby to purchase a wreath only to be disappointed that it cost $100!… I knew I could make one, so I did! A new skill and hobby evolved from this and it is something I am passionate about.

If it wasn’t for vulvodynia and my chronic pain, I would have never practiced this skill to the extent that I have been. Let me tell ya, gift-giving is so much fun now! Plus, the holidays around my house are so beautifully decorated now. Since I have more time to devote to my hobbies, I learned that I absolutely LOVE floral design and interior design. A lot of my friends even ask me to come help them decorate their homes!

Anyways, this job is just a part-time, few days a week type thing but I would love to have the opportunity to work with another person that has more experience than I do. We can learn a lot from other peoples experience and expertise. Even if she didn’t hire me I would probably ask her if I could come in and learn from her. 🙂

Losing Motivation

Pain is hard. Having your whole life changed in a matter of months is truly devastating. There is a grieving process that happens with chronic pain as you mourn the loss of your old life and the activities you once loved. When vulvodynia struck me I was in my Junior year of college at a private University. I worked so hard in order to get to this private school and even was inducted into an honor society at my junior college previous. For months I tried to work through the pain but there was so much walking. College campuses seem massive when your vagina burns while walking. Once spring break hit, I could barely walk or stand the pain. I hit my pain capacity and made the decision to drop out of college in order to focus on getting well.

Mourning the loss of yet another thing in my life was hard. I was incapable of handling the stress physically and mentally that I felt like I was failing at overcoming this chronic condition. Along the way I learned a lot of coping skills with the help of my therapist. Thank God for her because I have no idea how I would be so strong mentally and be able to fight this battle daily. Even though I hurt, I am able to find the strength to keep living. It is a different way of life, one I am not used to, and don’t particularly favor but I am becoming at peace with it.

In October, I decided to go back to school doing an online program. We just started a new term January 5 and I am lacking the motivation to even do my homework or participate. All I have to do is sit on my couch and do my assignments from home. It is hard to find the motivation because I find little joy out of it because I prefer in-class discussions and I just feel like, what’s the point? I’m not even sure if once I graduate I will be well enough to sit in at a job. What if I am like this forever?

That’s the bad part about chronic pain. It wears you down and kills your motivation. However, I have learned through my experience with chronic pain that everything is usually a forced effort for me. I have lost a lot of things in my life that I was enjoyed and was thankful for now that those things are gone, it is hard to find the motivation to rebuild because the loss was just so great. The grieving process is hard and it is a struggle.

BUT, I will continue to push and fight. I will be realistic with myself and not expect myself to get a 4.0 as I did years past because I am not the same person. I will do my best in school and force myself to do it the best that I can. Nothing is easy when it comes to chronic pain or life in general but I am hoping that it will be worth it in the end.

Who knows, maybe I will be pain free when I graduate in October 2015? Only God knows the answers and all I can do is continue with the treatments that are given to me.

In order to stay positive and motivated through out this process I use Pinterest a lot. I have my very own, special motivational quote board! How do you keep yourself motivated through hardships?